An essay: Clients. Man or Monster?

The thought has doubtless crossed the mind of every adman (and woman, you get them too these days) since the dawn of time, “This client CANNOT be human! No human is this stupid! No human is this destructive! No human is this short sighted!”

Well that is because, in my opinion, they are not human. Not in the traditional sense anyway.

After all, would a human insist on 7 rounds of research for a single tactical press ad?

Would a human reject Frank Sinatra as the face of their brand for “not being quite famous enough”?

And would a human murder a prostitute (paid for by the agency I may add) in his suite at the Waldorf just because he was “bored”?

No. There is nothing human about clients.

However, that is not to say all clients are bad. I’m rather fond of my Gerbil Sebastian, and he is most certainly not a human either. Similarly, some clients are not without their charms (the first client I ever had when I began my illustrious career in advertising at the age of 11 insisted on addressing me as ‘Squire’, something I found most beguiling).

The inescapable fact though is that clients simply aren’t as intelligent as their agency counterparts. Indeed, a 1976 study by Stanford University found the brain size of the average client to be as much as 47% smaller than the average human (this study may have actually been about Crocodiles, but the point still stands).

And one must also not forget the undeniable responsibility clients have to bear.

So, in conclusion, clients are indeed monsters. But ask yourself this: if you woke up one morning 47% stupider and with 5 times as much responsibility, would you not become something of a monster too?