MISTAKE!!

Please ignore the below post of a photograph of a black man. I've no idea how I managed to post it and I have even less idea how to remove it. I don't even know where the image came from. I've never seen it before in my life!

BP

Despite promising myself some decades ago that I would never again write another ad, last night after quite a few whiskies I broke that promise. In a drunken frenzy I was overcome with an idea so brilliant I was compelled to commit it to paper. The idea was a press ad for British Petroleum.

However, in the cold light of morning I can now see that far from being a work of genius, it is in fact merely a drawing of a duck.

Castles

Just three weeks after I bought my castle in scotland (the one on the left) David Ogilvy went and purchased his chateau in France (on the right). Harmless flattery or spiteful one-up-man-ship? I have always rather suspected the latter.

Personally I much prefer mine.

An essay: Clients. Man or Monster?

The thought has doubtless crossed the mind of every adman (and woman, you get them too these days) since the dawn of time, “This client CANNOT be human! No human is this stupid! No human is this destructive! No human is this short sighted!”

Well that is because, in my opinion, they are not human. Not in the traditional sense anyway.

After all, would a human insist on 7 rounds of research for a single tactical press ad?

Would a human reject Frank Sinatra as the face of their brand for “not being quite famous enough”?

And would a human murder a prostitute (paid for by the agency I may add) in his suite at the Waldorf just because he was “bored”?

No. There is nothing human about clients.

However, that is not to say all clients are bad. I’m rather fond of my Gerbil Sebastian, and he is most certainly not a human either. Similarly, some clients are not without their charms (the first client I ever had when I began my illustrious career in advertising at the age of 11 insisted on addressing me as ‘Squire’, something I found most beguiling).

The inescapable fact though is that clients simply aren’t as intelligent as their agency counterparts. Indeed, a 1976 study by Stanford University found the brain size of the average client to be as much as 47% smaller than the average human (this study may have actually been about Crocodiles, but the point still stands).

And one must also not forget the undeniable responsibility clients have to bear.

So, in conclusion, clients are indeed monsters. But ask yourself this: if you woke up one morning 47% stupider and with 5 times as much responsibility, would you not become something of a monster too?

Sony disgrace

The idea of presenting children as adults is as old and worn as my rapidly disintegrating hip joints. To my shame it as actually a concept I pioneered back in 1953 with my much lauded poster campaign for Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital . Since then the idea has been regurgitated more times than a bulimic’s stomach lining (John Lewis, friendsreunited, bmi airways, to name just a few).

This latest example from Sony though must surely be the most fetid of the lot.

Note from David

This is the note written to me by David Ogilvy on the occasion of my retirement from advertising in 1971. Despite nearly 40 years of trying, I've still absolutely no idea what it says. It is totally fucking illegible!!!

Church's

If there's a finer slipper in this world than a Church's, I'm yet to see it.

Harvey Wallbanger disgrace.

What this man does with this Harvey Wallbanger makes me feel physically sick. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SERVED IN A COLLINS GLASS YOU IDIOT!!!

Trunchpole's True Stories no. 46

Here's a true story. At Stanley Pollitt's son's Bar Mitvah in 1966 I got so drunk I became convinced I was actually at Hal Riney's funeral. I proceeded to make a 40 minute eulogy to a bemused crowd before eventually being manhandled off the stage by a Klezmer musician.

The strangest thing about the whole episode is that as far as I'm aware, Stanley wasn't even Jewish.

Ad of the day

Apparently this commercial has been causing quite a stir across the pond. And I can see why! A woman who changes her underwear 5 times in one morning before leaving the house half naked is clearly very mentally disturbed indeed, and should not be made a mockery of on television.

I once knew a lady with a similar disorder. She died before the age of 30.

PS. Is "musings of an advertising legend" a bit conceited? I wasn't sure what to put.

Welcome!

Dear friends

It seems as though I now have a "blog"! What fun!

To tell you the truth I'm not entirely sure what a "blog" is, but having been told countless times to get one, I thought I may as well give it a try.

And what better way to announce my arrival onto this new scene than with a photo of the author? Huzzah!

Yours truly

Corny