5:45am – Alarm goes off. I wake up in a delirium, the Birdseye Potato Waffles jingle coursing inexplicably through my mind.
6:00am – I rise from my slumber, attire myself and head downstairs for breakfast.
6.30am – DAMN IT!! We’re out of Potato Waffles!! I settle for porridge.
7:00am – Check the morning post. An invitation to speak at an awards ceremony in London as well as numerous brightly coloured fliers. It seems Pizza Land in Fort William is doing an excellent 2 for 1 offer on any 12 inch deep pan (whatever that is!.
7.10am –17:16pm – not a lot.
17:16pm - Where on Earth are my glasses???!!! Damn it!!!!!
17:17pm - found them.
17.30pm – 18:00pm – flick through an old copy of Ogilvy on Advertising. Not a single mention of yours truly. I struggle to suppress my rage.
18:30pm – weigh myself. Oh dear.
18:45pm – 19:45pm – ponder the eternal predicament of what to have for dinner. With my housekeeper Winona still in hospital I must cook for myself.
20:00pm – Call Pizza Land and ask if they do Arbroath smokies. They don’t.
20:04pm – Call back Pizza Land and ask if they do Beef Wellington. They don’t. Apparently they do however do spicy beef pizza. Reluctantly I order that instead.
20:06pm – 20:32pm - waiting.
20:32pm – food arrives. It’s vile.
21:00pm – Wash foul taste from my mouth with a remarkable 10 year old Ardbeg.
21:20pm – one more can’t hurt.
21:40pm – may as well finish the bottle.
22:00pm – I can’t feel my face.
22:15pm - bed.